June 21, 2021

Happy Monday Everyone,

Thank you Catherine for hosting our June meeting last Tuesday and to those who attended. Catherine's insights on The Likability Trap and our discussion notes make up today's letter.

Please look for an email this week announcing next month's host and book choice. It will be our THREE YEAR BOSLady anniversary!!!

The Weekly Three

1. Something about personal action regarding likability: "What if you knew there would be a professional price on the style of a junior colleague– do you give them the coaching to alter their style, or make sure people are reminded of her competency and qualifications? What if you find yourself even relating to her in a different dynamic because of personality?" "Pivoting critique on personality and mannerisms toward outcomes requires managers admit that not every successful leader is going to look the same" -Article by Sunny Bonnell and Ashleigh Hansberger, authors of Rare Breed, about "people whose defining traits parents, teachers, mentors, and bosses have long derided as vices". They do point out that "the traits that make a Jobs or a Musk so admired are less tolerated if attached to someone not white and male," which is the crux of The Likability Trap and neatly exemplified by Cruella, tied in by Catherine with the movie quote below.

https://www.themarysue.com/emma-stone-101-dalmatians-prequel/

“You can't care about anyone else. Everyone else is an obstacle. You care what an obstacle wants or feels, you're dead. If I cared about anyone or thing, I might have died like so many brilliant women with a drawer full of unseen genius and a heart full of sad bitterness.” 2. Some actionable items: (all copied verbatim from Catherine's notes) ·Asking “compared to whom” “can you be more concrete?” “how does this thing I do impact my work” either allows the critic to refine to more objective feedback or forces them to reconsider the commentary ·The vast majority of feedback that women get at work is critical subjective feedback, meaning that it is focused on someone’s opinion of their style (too aggressive, too weak, too emotional, too indecisive) and not focused enough on their hard skills or on their results. oWhat we need to do at work is shift away from critical subjective feedback and focus more on outcomes. ·What we really need is a cultural shift on our idea of what a leader looks like, what a leader is, and how a leader is able to lead. · we shouldn’t necessarily forsake likability, we just need to prioritize other more important and more attainable qualities over likeability. ·Make your vision seen and understood, rather than focusing on having others like you. Consider what your efforts to be “liked” are costing you. Understand that being relatable and likable aren’t the same thing. Focus on connection, not approval. Know whose opinion matters. 3. Somethings about leadership and likability: -rethink what a leader should look like, not remodeling our behavior to match the pre existing definition -should leadership be the only thing rewarded? should our definitions of promotion and leadership hinge on how many people report to you? -does your company have only a client facing leadership track that is more extrovert friendly or does it also have a more technical track with lower energy costs for introverts?

Thank you for your time,

Amber