September 14, 2020 and Meeting Notes

Hello BOSLadies,

Thank you to everyone who attended on Tuesday night! I felt that the conversation was particularly robust and invigorating, the content of Entitled giving us much to discuss. It felt like we could have done one meeting for each chapter of this book! It all really lit a fire in me and I greatly appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts and opinions. Here are some of the things we talked about: Specifically from Entitled

• Women’s emotional labor: “encompasses, among other things, the keeping track and  anticipatory work that so often falls to women: knowing what is where, who needs what, the grocery list, the family’s budget, the family calendar, and so on” 

• Asking for help in itself is a form of labor and “delegating, in many situations, requires repeating requests, which is often perceived as nagging” - Manne’s citing of Gemma Hartley’s Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women and the Way Forward

• A challenge to the belief that women are natural caregivers: a study demonstrating that “when men are the primary caregivers, their brains - being malleable - come to resemble those of women who are primary caregivers” 

• Womens’ pain being discounted, the denial that they have the ability to know what they are experiencing. The most egregious cases Manne includes are those of Black women

• America’s obsession with natural birth, no epidurals. Would you ever tell anyone to get a tooth pulled without novocaine?

• The difficulty of speaking up and the pressure when you do to express yourself perfectly.  You get one shot to prove yourself competent and worthy of time. Women held to much higher standards than men and judged more harshly for mistakes 

• Male entitlement in politics: It’s not that we have the audacity to treat those dissenting from the status quo as we do, but that it is so unconsciously done. The rules are so deeply ingrained that those who wish to enforce them are confident enough to do so on the worldwide stage of politics without fear of backlash (the opposite being true for those who defy them).

• Opinion: Is the last chapter of the book positive or negative?

Related

• In the experience of one BOSLady, entrepreneurs prefer women because they are more diligent and risk averse than men. Men tend to prioritize themselves when making decisions

• Another BOSLady gave an argument for the desirability of hiring moms. They are working in order to support their kids, meaning they have more to lose if they become unemployed, which makes them more reliable

• Question of what equality is perceived as. Does it mean that partners have to split each household task equally or that each person does half the sum total of work? Do we have to both do dishes or can I do the dishes and you do some type of outdoor work that is equally time consuming? Some people are better at one thing than another or just enjoy one task over another. The argument tha specialization improves quality and efficiency

• Specific and actionable advice on reframing from Kate. Taking control of the narrative and reframing the question to address the symptom, not the illness. 

• When can I say that I need help but still let you know that I’m doing my job? Timing being of paramount importance and the ability to quantify your work - when asking for more resources, be able to say this is how many hours I am working. Demonstration that you’re fulfilling your role but that the task requires more

Our next meeting will be Tuesday, October 13th at 5:30pm PST/8:30pm EST. We will be discussing The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You by Lydia Fenet.  The Weekly Three

1. Something about mailing lists and American DIY culture from Brittany:

“When it comes to living your life with your partner, you have to actively involve him/her in the daily tasks in order for us to ever blow through the ridiculous statistics saying that women do the majority of pretty much everything, when it comes to household tasks, emotional labor, raising children, etc. I overly simplified that, but I know you all know that comes from a place of reading through several studies that all agree. I am a part of a few email lists that range from topics of home organization to fun things to do with your kids. This week, there is an online organization forum. It's put on by women, it's for women, and attended by women. How are we going to organize a whole life, house, budget, if only the woman in the relationship attend such events? It is suggestive that we can handle all of that responsibility. Never in these types of organizations do I see partner involvement or even partner invitations. I think these influencers are not making it easier to bring down those statistical numbers working moms fight against.  What we need more of are influencers that emphasize partnership and represent both sexes in relationships, partnerships, marriages, etc. I think the US culture is so ingrained with do it yourselfers that it may be a part of the problem too. When it comes to home life, that's just not healthy.” Share your thoughts, "reply all" to this email or email Britt directly. I had never thought about how this part of our culture reinforces these disparities. 

2. Something about the meaning of “thought leader”: This past week on Instagram, Architectural Digest reposted an article from February about the top five architectural schools all having female deans for the first time. I found the article on their website and under the article title the phrase “thought leaders” was typed out. This was also used in both Kate Manne and Glennon Doyle’s book sleeve bios. Curious as to why it has been cropping up so much lately, I found that Wikipedia provided a tidy timeline summary . Nowadays it appears to be a positive descriptor but in the early 2010s it was slightly contemptible. Do you think it is egotistic business jargon or a genuine compliment?

3. Something else about reframing the narrative: Part of Untamed by Glennon Doyle is identifying the gendered societal norms that led to her "taming". She has to figure out what beliefs and expectations were imposed upon her that led her to create the life she had. Once she could see what rules she had been following, she could question them and discard those that did not serve her. “I have to do this” became “I did this because”. What are your beliefs, where did they come from and what story about yourself do they contribute to? Kate’s advice in our meeting reminded me of this, as did what I’ve learned recently about narrative therapy.

Image from libro.fm

Have a great week,

Amber